And I won't disappear: my one year(ish) anniversary with London

"You know it's okay
I'm kinda [really] happy here for now
I think I've finally grown up
And got myself a lover now
If I ever come home and I, I think I will
I hope you're gonna want to hang
At my place on Sundays still
Oh yeah I hope you will

Cause I'm in London still "

-The Waifs

I've now been in London for one year are a bit and have officially turned in my master's dissertation (now we wait...).  I feel the need to reflect.  Who am I?  Who was I?  I came here, more or less, on a whim, an impulse to leave the familiar, to enter the unknown, to see if another way of living was possible...living with connection, with passion, with goals, but without plan. Living the life I have always wanted to live, but was scared to begin.

I went back to read my journal from Seattle last year.  It was marked with a sense of floating, of loneliness, a lack of purpose, a general depression.  I remember it, but I don't identify with that now.  I don't think my values have changed that much in the past year, but more consistently than ever before I am living the life I would like to be living.  I used to think about how I wanted to live and fantasize about some time in the future when I would be living that life.  There would be a point when I would have everything together and live the life I was supposed to live.

My sister shared with me a quote she found (I don't know by who).  It consisted of two questions.  The first: If you could live one life on repeat forever, what life would it be?  The second: is it the life you are living now?  This question has been in the back of my mind for some time now.  In deciding to come here I asked myself this.  I was worried about finances, I was worried about going back to studying, I was worried about finding a place to live in London, about getting a visa, about leaving Seattle, about leaving my family, about being happy.  But I asked myself, when I look back on my life, which decision will I wish that I made.  Put in that light, moving to London to pursue a masters in a subject I have been passionate about since I was in 2nd grade was a no brainer....a very horrifying no brainer.

I figure, there is no future point where living the life you want to live will "just happen".  Living the life you want to live means acting now.  Be present.  Choosing to live how you wish you did. Live now how you want to be later and you may just find that later becomes now.  And now becomes eternal.  Now becomes you.  Now is all we have.  "Every plan is a tiny prayer to father time" (death cab for cutie). 

More than anything this past year, I have found contentment.  Not the passive kind that sucks away your passions and adventurous spirit.  But the kind of contentment that brings peace and inspires action with confidence.  No situation in my life has become easier.  I am not a more together person.  I'm an organizational disaster, in fact.  I am late a lot.  I forget things like plans with people and names and times and tasks I'm supposed to complete.  But, now, I feel less bad about it.  I don't let myself feel guilt for the way I am.  I have become better at listening to myself, interpreting what my body is telling me, deciphering the messages of my heart.  I feel more confident with confrontation, with asserting myself.  Sometimes I don't assert myself still when I wish I did.  But I'm learning not to beat myself up about it.  The less attached I am to my destination, the more I end up going where I want to go. 

I really hope that when I look back on my life from old age (fingers crossed), I will say "yeah, I would do this all again.  I'm pleased with the risks I took, the connections I made, the paths I wandered, the time I spent reflecting, the love I gave away.  I wouldn't trade any of it."

A sad time

"we put our glass to the sky and lift up

and live tonight ‘cause you can’t take it with ya

so raise a pint for the people that ain’t with us

and live tonight ‘cause you can’t take it with ya"

-Mackelmore

Lesson of the week: there are no guarantees.  The veil separating our life from the inanimate  is thin.  I feel shock and sadness.  We are guaranteed nothing. We are owed nothing.  We can only live in great appreciation for what we have and who we love.

I appreciate that I knew Guy, that he was a part of my life, if but for a short while.  His life of kindness, community and love is an example for all of us . What an inspiring leader and friend.  I appreciate how he welcomed me to New-Unity. He had a knack for making one feel appreciated and valuable/valued.  I will miss him.  I send my love and sorrow to his partner and family. 

Wake up, America

"Muslim life is cheap, most notably to Muslims. 

And among those Muslims led by the Imam Rauf 

[of the proposed New York Islamic centre] there is hardly 

one who has raised a fuss about the routine and random bloodshed... 

that defines their brotherhood.  So, yes, I wonder whether I 

need honour these people and pretend that they are 

worthy of the privileges of the First Amendment which 

I have in my gut the sense that they will abuse."

-Martin Peretz, editor-in-chief of New Republic

What is going on right now?  I feel sadness to the point of tears reading of the hatred and bigotry ravaging America right now.  Who are we to decide who is worthy to receive the benefits of a free life?  We are only free if we give freedom freely.  As, Kahlil Gibran wrote, "Surely he who is worthy to receive his days and his nights is worthy of all else from you."  We are only better than those who hate if we are able to act with love even when we are not given the same respect in return.  In saying this, I must note, I am NOT saying that Muslims have NOT treated us with respect.  Yes, nine years ago today thousands of people died unnecessarily and tragically in New York, DC and a field in Pennsylvania.  But who did that? A group of terrorists who happened to be Muslim.  We didn't start a crusade against Christians when Timothy McVeigh bombed the federal building in Oklahoma in 1995.  Why?  Because it is stupid to think that one person, or a small group of people, is representative of a mass.  And even if they were, would it not be the right thing to do to remain respectful?  Anger and sadness do not have to lead to hate.  If we let our anger turn to hate, then we are no better than that which we have been wronged by.  

A lot of Americans seem to be blinded by the own desire to hate.  It is so easy to blame others for your hurt, for your unhappiness. But it is stupid. It gets you nowhere.  It creates a world of bitterness and self-pity.  It is slightly more difficult, yet infinitely more rewarding to take a moment, put yourself in someone else's shoes, to forgive (even if forgiveness was not asked for), to treat others how YOU would like to be treated.  I'm not a fan of religion, I think it creates a lot of tension between groups (point in case, America right now...Israel and Palestine right now....the world right now?  the world for the past 2,000 years?) and i find it often to be rooted in deep intellectually dishonesty/laze. That said, I do I think it does say something that "treat others how you would like to be treated" is at the base of so many faiths.  Jesus isn't the only person credited with these words.  The sentiment is seen in Jewish, Christian, AND Islamic texts ("Not one of you is a believer until he loves for his brother what he loves for himself."), not to mention Buddhism, Hinduism, Jainism and Nigerian Yoruba.  No religion necessary, though.  The golden rule is self-evident to anyone with human emotions which (thanks evolution) is most of us. ("When I do good, I feel good; when I do bad, I feel bad. That’s my religion."- A. Lincoln)

I feel sad. I feel sad for those being hated. And I feel sad for those hating.  I am mustering my strength to turn my sadness to compassion.  Because that, I believe, is what the world needs: compassion. 

People need to get over themselves.  Get over their personal discomfort and look at a bigger picture.  What kind of people do we want to be?  Do we want to live a life of fear and hate?  Or shall we risk it and extend a hand of humanity to those denied the rights and privileges we have been granted?  We do not live comfortably because we deserve it.  We live this way partially by luck and mostly because other people are suffering to make our comfort possible.  No one deserves anything they get.  We just get it.  So take in what is good and share it.  I see no other point to life than that. 

I'll end with the complete quote from Kahlil Gibran.  It was the first thing I thought of when I read the above hate-filled quote of Martin Peretz.

"You often say, 'I would give, but only to the deserving.'

The trees in your orchard say not so, nor the flocks in your pasture.

They give that they may live, for to withhold is to perish.

Surely he who is worthy to receive his days and his nights is worthy of all else from you.

And he who has deserved to drink from the ocean of life deserves to fill his cup from your little stream. "

Let us give what we can freely.  Let us not accumulate love, but give it so that it may return more plentiful than before.  Let us hold back judgment of our fellow humans.  Let us strive for understanding even when our first instinct is disgust and distrust.  We are not the victims of our first instinct. 

Love Without Judgment

"Love is a choice - 

not simply, or necessarily, a rational choice, 

but rather a willingness 

to be present to others 

without pretense or guile." 

-Carter Heyward

How do we interact with others?  How do we interact with life? As I've written before, I believe that much of life comes down to our choices. Our choice of how to respond to people and situations.  Each choice we make is one tiny element that goes into our whole being.  Each choice, as minor as it may be, helps define who we are.  Who do we want to be? 

Twice recently, I have been confronted with discussions of love without judgment.  Words and phrases from each discussion are still rolling around in my head.  As I'm impatient, I won't wait until they are polished and clear to remove them from the rock tumbler of my mind...

At New-Unity Unitarian church today, Andy spoke on "The journey toward love".  He suggested that love requires us to put aside judgment, to put aside our experiences and to be present for others.  Be present to ourselves.  What does being present mean?  To me, it means being witness.   Being a compassionate witness to another being.  Being silent in honor of the other's time to work through their thoughts, their emotions.  In being present, we try to remove judgment, remove our own experience.  We accept the situation as it is, the person as they are.  We do not love because we like what we see, or because the person/situation is what we would hope it to be.  We love because it is what it is, they are who they are.  What we cannot change, we accept and we love. 

My friend, who I recently got to sit with on a hot day in a New York City park, said something to me during a though-provoking, and filling conversation.   It was something like this:  accept each person who has come into your life. love them. Say 'thank you, teacher.'  I felt moved by this statement.  How much bitterness and resentment could I rid myself of it I said "Thank you, teacher"?  How much negativity could I transform?  How much heaviness could I lift from my heart?  How much freedom could I find in choosing unconditional and non-judgmental love?  Who would I be if I tried to remove judgment from my life?  You cannot give what you do not have. Love yourself so that you may love others.  Do not judge yourself, so that you may be present for others.  Be present in your own life.  Love what others are, not what you wish they were.  Love your life, not the life you wish you had.   

I believe there is peace in non-judgment, peace in acceptance, peace in thankfulness, peace in compassion and peace in love. With a destination in mind, the journey begins.

 

I'm in London Still

"Took the tube over to Camden

to wander around

played some funky records 

with that old Motown sound"

-The Waifs 

In the last week, London parks have become meccas for the city's sun starved inhabitants.  With all the sun and warmth, I have been inspired to carry my camera with me more often.  Here is what I've seen:

 

The story on the graffiti photos:  You all have probably heard of Bansky or at least seen his work.  He is a famous graffiti artist about whom many books are written.  His works are common posters and t-shirts.  Recently, he defiled a famous piece of graffiti in Camden that was done by Robbo, one of the original "street artists", 25 years ago.  "Team Robbo" was not pleased and soooo a little graffiti war is now plaguing the streets of Camden.  Above you see some of Bansky's work that has been modified by "Team Robbo". The image that reads KING ROBBO is of the work that sparked this feud.  Underneath that lies Robbo's original work.  Bansky, at the end of last year, modified Robbo's work to look like a man was painting over the graffiti.  Robbo then retaliated by making the painting man (by Bansky) look like he was writing King Robbo.  Cool, huh?!

 

Adaptive Landscapes

"I am the chrysalis in which you will face that which terrifies you

and from which you will blossom forth, vibrant and renewed."

-"The Divine Mother" source unknown

 I've been thinking a lot about the processes which bring us to renewal.  For the most part, I have concluded this: the process often is painful, scary, and generally uncomfortable.  So why leave what is familiar (if but a bit mediocre) for the unknown if it means a period of discomfort.  

Evolutionarily (with genes) it isn't really even possible.  Check out the diagram of an adaptive landscape.  The peak in the back is the highest and thus the represents the adaptation with the highest fitness (number of genes one will pass on to the next generation while employing this strategy).  However, just because employing this strategy will maximize an individuals fitness, due to random genetic drift (and other factors) some individuals will end employing the strategy depicted in the front left adaptive peak.  Though, their fitness is lower than individuals employing the strategy of the back most peak, they will not likely evolve (over generations) to the other strategy which would increase their fitness.  This is because to do so would require a period of lessening adaptiveness to the environment.   As decreasing adaptation is not selected for, a new strategy cannot be employed (until a shift in the adaptive environment....).  

We, luckily, differ from genes (though, obviously, our being - body, behavior - is tied to them inextricably).  We have a little bit more foresight and significantly more faith than genes.  We can see that our actions now will not take us where we want to go.  We can see where we want to go. And we can choose to have faith that by digressing we will be able, in the not so far off future, to "blossom forth, vibrant and renewed". 

The Northwest fills my lungs, heals the pain in my chest

"The Northwest fills my lungs, y'all
you know the rest"
-Blue Scholars

A song for Seattle.

why atheists (like me!) can go to chuch, too

"As tranquil streams that meet and merge 

and flow as one to seek the sea, 

our kindred fellowships unite to build 

a community that shall be free..."
-Marion Franklin Ham

 In the study of hominid evolution, some mystery surrounds the origins of modern humans.  Anatomically modern humans appear in the fossil record around 200,000 years ago.  Human "culture," or what we associate with modern human culture (art, beads, decorative tools etc.), doesn't appear in the fossil record until around 45,000 years ago (and a brief glimpse in Africa around 90,000 years ago).  So why the discrepancy?  Why the 150,000 year gap between modern-looking humans and modern-acting humans? 

In the past, scientists suggested that humans looked modern, but the brain hadn't evolved the wiring necessary for modern behavior.  Paleoanthropologists looked at fossil endocasts searching for clues about the evolution of our brain.  Their findings, however, didn't seem to explain this lag in behavior.  Recently, UCL geneticist, Mark Thomas, found a positive correlation between population density and innovation.  Population density, they found, does not just account for the acquisition of cultural innovation, but also the loss of cultural knowledge and technology.  Essentially, there is a threshold in density that must be passed in order to retain cultural knowledge.  For example, the fall of the Roman Empire and subsequent loss of technology is associated with a significant decrease in population density.  This important study suggests that the lag between modern human form and behavior may be explained with  population density.  When people are not exchanging information, we cannot create much.

Robin Dunbar, an evolutionary anthropologist, conducted a study of scientists.  He found that groups of scientists composed of individuals with diverse backgrounds had more intellectual breakthroughs than groups of scientists with similar backgrounds. 

The quote above is from a hymn that we sing at New-Unity (see our nice congregation photo on the right).  I like it because I think it says, in a more poetic way, what Dunbar and Thomas found: we get something from each other that we cannot get on our own.   In sharing and exchanging, in working with people different from ourselves, we are able be more effective innovators, we can be more creative, we can support each other and learn from each other.  At New-Unity, we are a diverse group of individuals who choose to spend Sunday mornings with each other not because of shared beliefs, but shared values.  We value searching, we value collaboration, and we value what we uniquely get from each other. 

And on an unrelated note...here is my current favorite song

love

"I want so badly to believe that 

there is truth and 

that love is real."

-Death Cab for Cutie

As I was laying in Regent's Park last Thursday with a friend, two women approached us with a video camera.  "Hi, we are making a film and were wondering if we could interview you.  We will just ask you one question and you just need to respond with whatever comes to your mind."

"Well, what are you asking?" 

They had already set up their camera, had it pointed down at our faces, faces propped up on our hands as we lay on our bellies in the grass.  "We will ask you: What is love?  You just need to answer with whatever comes to your mind."

As much as I wanted to help make their film, I felt on the spot and, honestly, a bit unqualified to tell anyone what I think love is.  "I think I'm going to pass," I said.

"What?"

"I don't want to be interviewed, I said."

"We can give you a few minutes if you need to think about your answer..."

"No really. I don't want to be interviewed." I told them as they stood, their finger on the record button ready to go.  As they awkwardly packed up their camera and my friend and I went back to cloud gazing, I thought...what is love?  Why don't I want to answer that question?

What is love?  "a strong positive emotion of regard and affection"  I guess.....but the evolutionary anthropologist in me wants to know where that comes from, what is its purpose.  What are the proximate and ultimate causes of the emotion we call love?  My honest thought is such: Love is an emotion that was selected for in our evolutionary past because it reinforced pair bonds that encourage the parental care necessary for maximizing reproductive fitness.....I told this to my friend.  He told me it was probably better I didn't do the interview.  I would have been a downer.

Is that so depressing though? Love having an ultimate evolutionary (fitness) cause doesn't mean it isn't that thing which makes life worth living. So love has a function, a reason for being, and in turn is our reason for being. For the first time...ever?  I am feeling a peace in my core, a peace brought on, I suspect, due to balance between my scientific mind and more whimsical leanings.  I think a scientific view of the world is often coupled with a cynicism of sorts about gooey things, like love for instance.  But I don't think understanding the reasonable origins of love (just to clarify, reasonable origin=evolution), devalues it in any way.  It is still what we are all looking for; it is still what we cherish when we are so lucky to feel it; it is still what motivates us to be better, to do good, to seek connection. 


It is too late now, but I guess if I have another shot, if anyone cares to ask again "What is love?"  I would answer this: love is the emotion that reinforces the pair bonds that encourage long term parental care necessary for raising a large quantity of high quality children, thus maximizing your reproductive fitness......and isn't it a beautiful thing?

Caretaking this Moment

Caretake this moment.
Immerse yourself in its particulars.
Respond to this person, this challenge, this deed.

Quit the evasions.
Stop giving yourself needless trouble.
It is time to really live; to fully inhabit the situation you happen to be in now.
You are not some disinterested bystander.
Exert yourself.

Respect your partnership with providence.
Ask yourself often, How may I perform this particular deed
such that it would be consistent with and acceptable to the divine will?
Heed the answer and get to work.

When your doors are shut and your room is dark you are not alone.
The will of nature is within you as your natural genius is within.
Listen to its importunings.
Follow its directives.

As concerns the art of living, the material is your own life.
No great thing is created suddenly.
There must be time.

Give your best and always be kind.

-Epictetus

On Sunday, yesterday, Lana, Leigh, Andy and I led a service at Newington Green Unitarian Church in north London. Our theme was appreciation. In the service, we took time to, not just talk about appreciation, but to share it. I read the following:

"Following the theme of Caitlin's reflection, we are now going to spend some time sharing our appreciation. We invite you to think for a few moments about someone who you appreciate. Then, when you are ready, use the paper provided in your order of service to write that person's name and a short sentence summarizing why you appreciate them. When we have all finished writing, we are going to share. Just stand up whenever you feel ready........

"Thank you, all. Sharing appreciation has great power. Albert Schweitzer said 'At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person. Each of us has cause to think with great gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us.' In our hands we hold little slips of paper with simple words. But, each one has the potential to rekindle or fuel someone else's flame. In order to do that, however, we must share our appreciation with the person it is directed towards. Only in expressing our appreciation to that person may we hope to be a spark to their flame. So perhaps, if we are all willing, we may set ourselves a goal: to be a spark and be sparked by sharing our appreciation with others."

The service went really well and it was filling. Being a part of this Unitarian community fills me. Somehow, taking time each week to reflect and to be around with a group of people so committed to supporting on another has given my life a fullness and purpose that I have sought elsewhere to no avail. There is no dogma, no preaching, no 'truths' per se, yet I have never experienced such intentional and genuine commitment to positive living/growing as I have found in this community.

a prayer of sorts

"be here now"
-Oasis
take a moment to breathe in the invisible peace that surrounds us daily whether we choose to take it in or not. ground yourself in the small comforts of life, the small joys we share and those we enjoy only with our own selves. embrace what you have. find joy in the present. take joy in the present. see joy in the present. be joy in the present. when joy is not possible just be in the present. be here now. see here now. giving to the bank of common humanity leads to greater gains later. gains in the currency of love, joy, peaceful hearts, and comfort in self. the alignment of actions, beliefs, and self brings contentment and peace unobtainable by any other means. align yourself. breathe in now. be here now.