Hello Seattle

"Hello Seattle
I am the crescent moon
shining down on your face"
-Owl City




Please ignore the fact that we don't have manta-rays...or seahorses...

cycles

The man who accepts Western values absolutely, finds his creative faculties becoming so warped and stunted that he is almost completely dependent on external satisfactions, and the moment he becomes frustrated in his search for these, he begins to develop neurotic symptoms, to feel that life is not worth living, and, in chronic cases, to take his own life.
-Paul Robeson


alive
energy quivering
like coffee saturated
hands trying to hold
steady the ecstasy
of an ephemeral
joy.
this too shall pass.
crash!
shaking hands
cannot control
cannot keep
something so
slippery
and fleeting
as true joy.
this too has passed.
and on a moutain
stroll i gain
momentum
as i begin to see
the peak above me,
begin to remember
that joy,
no matter how ephemeral,
sustains us
makes us alive
gives us hope.
each step is
motivated by the taste
of something
i remember, i
seek again.
the peak is clear
i am near
my hands were
steady but begin
to quiver
grasping
for purpose.

dreaming of mountains

"Today i dream of home
and not of London anymore"
-The Waifs

choice and acceptance

"Times they gotta change
but so do we"
-Margot and the Nuclear So and So's

life happens and it is uncontrollable. sometimes there is a tendency to pity oneself, to say, "look at all these things happening to me. look at all these things happening to me that make me unable to be who i would be if all were perfect." this is completely ridiculous. happy people are not happy because everything goes well in their life, but because they choose to react to situations with an open mind and heart. they don't get their minds and hearts stuck on what they wish were true, but rather they accept each situation as it comes, embrace it, and love it for what it is. an immense peace comes from letting go of our false sense of control. when we act like we can control what can happen in our lives we quickly become frustrated and bitter when things do not go as we try to make them. we are failing! something is wrong with us because we cannot control! but really we are failing because we have created an impossible task. so lighten up. let go of control. open your mind. see the world in a new light of acceptance and love. the only thing we may have a chance of controlling is ourselves and our reactions to the situations we encounter. nothing happens to us except that which we allow. choose to open.

Sock Monkey!

"Today was gonna be the day
But they'll never throw it back to you"
-Oasis

Yesterday was a beautiful day. After work, I went to Unity Unitarian as I do most Sundays. The service was on the subject of healing. Andy made the point that there is no such thing as miraculous healing (as many Christian faiths would have you believe). People are not touched and then healed of their wounds, physical or emotional. Rather, Andy presented the idea that true healing often comes simply from listening/sharing. He challenged us to truly listen to those who come to us with hurt to share. He challenged us to "don't just do something, stand there!" We then did an exercise in listening with a partner. I was paired with a girl (young woman) about my age who I have been getting to know over the past few weeks. Andy asked us to speak/listen for 1 minute on the question "who are you?" My exchange with my partner was...well healing...just like it was supposed to be. It ended up that my partner and I are going through similar emotional processes right now. We continued our conversation into the tea time that follows each service. Also, during Tea I had a really exciting conversation about monkey behavior with Andy, a community member not Minister Andy, and a woman named Tammy.

Later in the evening, I returned to Unity for a dinner hosted by Andy, the minister, and his wife, Miriam. Before any eating, we all decorated our meeting hall with a tree and garlands. After we were satisfied with our work we moved towards dinner. Andy and Miriam live in a really cute flat about the community center we meet in. Miriam had made a HUGE pot of chili, spiced cider, mulled wine and other delicious teats. Upstairs we helped decorate their tree with all their family ornaments and popcorn that we strung. Those of us who came were mostly the younger members of the community, people without families around to help get in the Christmas spirit. We ended up staying for almost 5 hours talking and laughing and sharing. As we were leaving, Tammy reached into her purse and pulled out two mini blue sock monkeys which she presented to non-minister Andy and myself. When she had gone home between the service (when we talked about monkeys) and the dinner she had grabbed these little monkeys which she had MADE to give as little Christmas presents to Andy and I. I LOVE this community and I LOVE my new monkey! It is so patiently welcoming and inclusive. I feel very much a part of it and connected in a way that I haven't really experienced before. I feel supported and supportive. In being nurtured, I feel more nurturing.

holding-on

"Our ideas held no water
but we used them like a dam"
-Modest Mouse

It is remarkably easy to get stuck in patterns of thinking. We form a framework through which to understand the world and over time, we learn new things (facts) and place them into this framework. Obviously, as we have created (or inherited, or learned) this framework in a cultural context sometimes things we learn, things we observe, don't quite fit into how we "know" the world works, or we "know" is right, or we "know" fits, in general. These things become exceptions. There comes a point, though, when you seem to have accumulated a lot of "exceptions". One would expect that this would be the point when you would start to question the framework rather than question your own sanity....but we don't! We keep trying to mold what we see into the shape of what we "know". But we don't "know", we just expect, we assume!

I have been thinking about this because I am experiencing something of the sort right now. As I am learning and interacting with my masters program, I am realizing that those things that I thought I wanted, I perhaps do not. And I am learning that things that I did not previously think I wanted (despite many "exceptions" indicating otherwise), are in fact what I do want. This is slightly disconcerting, yet also relieving! I feel a sense of rightness in having discovered what was making me feel unsettled. With hindsight, my desires were very evident. But so long as my previous framework existed, all indications were placed in the "exceptions" category of my understanding rather than the "valid thought" section.

I really like the quote above from Modest Mouse (possibly the most depressed band ever...) because it strikes me as so true. I do feel so inclined to lean on ideas, on frameworks, that aren't reasonable, or appropriate....why? Probably because in the short term, it is easier to keep jamming things into something they don't quite fit in to, than to unpack, make a HUGE mess, and reorganize. I will argue though, that in the long run, the benefits of reorganization out weight the costs. To some extent though, I think my logic may infer that avoiding frameworks in general would be the most effective method of observing the world and learning in it. As humans though, I think this is difficult (impossible?) as evolutionarily we are "wired" to categorize information as it is very cost effective not to......

On a more spiritual/self-realization level, I am learning that constant reevaluation of our frameworks is necessary in order to truly understand our heart's position. To not reevaluate, I think, is very impractical and...stagnant?....and perhaps cowardly. Often I feel cowardly. I am scared of what I will find if I see things in a new way. I'm scared of who I will be when stripped of my framework. Will it be worse? more difficult? will my friends still like who I am if I see the world differently? Will I still like who I am? But when deciding between the known which is not adequate and the unknown, I challenge myself to choose the unknown. The Buddhist quote says it best: "Leap and the net will appear."

greatness coming

I got a list of demands
written on the palm of my hands.
I ball my fist and
you're gonna know where I stand.
-Saul Williams

My heart is flat
like the line that follows death
in a hospital
bed pillows cushioning
the blows of
your words
ring in my ears
deaf to the world
to the noises
of new life
on the horizon
the sun rises
my hopes
that tomorrow will bring
texture
to my heart

The Modern Ecological Model

"I believe that what you sing to the clouds will rain up on you when your sun has gone away;
and I believe that what you dream to the moon will manifest before you rest another day."
-Michael Franti

In Primate Socioecology our studies revolve around the modern Ecological Model. As such, my brain is caught up in thinking in terms of cause and effect, costs and benefits. (The more this happens, the more/less this happens; as ___ increases, _____ responds negatively/positively; ex: increase in female estrous synchronization leads to increased reproductive success for non-dominant males in nonhuman primates...) This has led me to evaluate my own values in these terms....

The less I bitch, the less I complain about people/situations/stresses, the less they weigh on my mind (and heart). The more I forgive (even when it is not requested), the less resentment I feel towards...anyone. There is no special trick to letting go or to forgiving. There is no optimal moment to forgive. You just do it. Let go of the desire to get in the last word to "make them understand" and feel your heart open. Not forgiving, leads to resentment. Resentment bottled leads to bitterness. And bitterness is contagious.

So we have a choice, here, of which trajectory, which feedback loop to embark on: the loop that swings you into the cycle of forgiveness, love, welcome, positivity or that of judgment, resentment, bitterness. In human evolution we see trajectories. For example, bipedalism allowed tool use (but did not cause it), tool use/making requires mental faculties which increase brain size, tool use allows meat to be utilized as a resource which helps develop our brain, increased brain size from meat eating allows more complex tool making, which pushes brain size up again, increased brain size allows more complex processing of meat.....blah blah blah. The moral: since around 2 million years ago the genus Homo appears to have been on a trajectory towards increased encephalization (though limited by our ability to birth large brained, premature beings....but this is getting off topic!). Important to keep in mind, though, is that trajectories are NOT uni lineal or "goal oriented" evolution (that does not exist).

So, like in life/evolutionary change, trajectories are NOT predetermined, they CAN change. Unlike evolutionary trajectories, though, YOU have a choice about which one to be on. So if you feel yourself on the self-perpetuating cycle of bitterness and resentment, you are not stuck. In The Alchemist, author Paulo Coelho, writes: "...that at a certain point in our lives, we lose control of what's happening to us, and our lives become controlled by fate. That's the world's greatest lie."

Things I think about

"I was dead for a million years
'Fore I was born and I'll be dead for a million more
After I'm gone
So I live, to give somethin'
That can live on
Like the way you hum a song when the music's gone
Like the warmth on the sand
When the sun goes down
And I'm sittin' with myself
Nobody else is around"

-Michael Franti

How do we genuinely contribute to this world, to humanity? Must you achieve fame to alter the course of human history? How do we know that the change we encourage is "good"? Am I being selfish in choosing a career path that does not directly affect lives today? As my professor said, "In paleoanthropology, no one dies if the analysis of our data proves wrong." Implied, I think, may be that no one benefits either if our conclusions end up being right. I have to believe: that there is inherent worth in knowledge, or at least worth in the quest for knowledge; that to learn for the sake of learning is not frivolous; and that in learning about our world, about the history of humanity, about our biology, about our capacity for culture, about our lives in a socioecological context, we are better able to recognize our biases as animals, as mammals, as primates, as hominins and, finally, as humans. What are the implications of belonging to each of those categories (categories that, admittedly, we made up)? How might understanding our natural propensities encourage us to be more reflective in our actions?

Understanding propensities does not mean resigning yourself to your "inherent nature", but rather recognizing our unique ability as humans to recognize our bias (our "nature") and choose a direction/action from there. As cultural beings, and beings of unique intelligence, nothing is predetermined. We always have a choice of how to act in a way that serves our fellow humans, whether in grand acts or simple daily interactions.

The Present

"If my happiness at this moment consists largely in reviewing happy memories and expectations, I am but dimly aware of this present. I shall still be dimly aware of the present when the good things that I have been expecting come to pass. For I shall have formed a habit of looking behind and ahead, making it difficult for me to attend to the here and now. If, then, my awareness of the past and future makes me less aware of the present, I must begin to wonder whether I am actually living in the real world.

After all, the future is quite meaningless and unimportant unless, sooner or later, it is going to become the present. Thus to plan for a future which is not going to become present is hardly more absurd than to plan for a future which, when it comes to me, will find me “absent,” looking fixedly over it’s shoulder instead of into its face."

-Alan Watts from "The Wisdom of Insecurity"

I have been thinking a lot about "the present" recently. More so now than for a few years (perhaps since I was in Tanzania in 2006) I am finding myself happily and easily in the present. Walking down to school, my timbuk2 bag slung across my shoulder, rain boots slopping in Londony puddles, I am so very much here....in time and space. I am not dreaming about any other time or place in which I could be or was happier. Not that there is nothing I could worry about, but I am becoming more aware that the key to the future is the present. If I am not present in the now then the future will never become what I want it to be. By being here now, I actually am investing in my future. It is like the quote I posted in the blog titled 'Priory Park.' Right actions now, lead to positive outcomes. "Right actions" are not mysterious highly rational choices, but rather the actions your heart suggests (not so delicately at times).

Very rarely is anything, any decision, as complex as we believe it to be, if we just listen to what our hearts tell us. Stresses arise when our heart, mind and actions are not aligned. The closer we can bring these elements to alignment, the less stress we feel; we near equilibrium. I have found (am finding?) that if I base my actions on my heart, my mind will catch up. Past experience and observation, though, have revealed to me that the same is not true of the mind. That is, if I base my actions on my mind, my heart will not easily comply if it did not in the first place agree. The more open I am to hearing my heart's voice, feeling its pull, the more often I listen to its direction, the more confident I become in believing what it tells me. It is like any sense, or skill, the more you use it the better it becomes. The more I listen, the more I hear.

Common Ancestors

evolution: changes in gene frequencies in a population over time

how unfrightening.

New Unity

"This being human is a guest house
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each had been sent
as a guide from beyond."
-Rumi

In honor of Granny Pats and also in honor of my own spiritual exploration, I attended a Unitarian church service this Sunday morning at New-Unity Unitarian Universalist Church. For so long I have been so anti-spirituality. I confused being non-christian with being unspiritual. In reality, I am spiritual, I do believe that everything is one, in love, in "something more" (whatever the hell that means). I do not, however, believe necessarily in god of the bible or that Jesus is his son, or in Allah, or Shiva etc....Those spiritual frameworks do not appeal to my sense of what is right or true. I just can't buy it.

In the realm of the unknown, I would prefer not to try to know or pretend to know, but rather be a grateful contributor to whatever it is that connects us as one. I would rather live each day in awe of the world around us. That said, I am a scientist and I wholly believe that some things are inherently knowable and we cannot plug every hole of the unknown with god. That, I believe, is an insult to our reason. It has taken me a long time to feel equal appreciation for both the knowable and the unknowable (very different distinction from the known and unknown). The struggle is still in me, between my reason and my ever more vocal heart, but more and more my reason acknowledges that true value lies in the recognition of the equal value in the knowable (the reasonable) and the unknowable.

As the unknowable is, just that, not able to be known, I will not spend time pretending to know what it is by prescribing to the spirituality put forth in any one text. Rather I will appeal to the collective consciousness of our specie, to the knowledge of our ancestors who are true veterans of this life, the philosophies of our contemporaries for what will they be someday but ancestors. I am left feeling that the "right" action is simply to ground myself in the unknown and open myself to the awe (and comfort) found in the resignation of reason.

So with all this in my mind and heart, today I traveled down to Angel, London for my first voluntary church visit....ever. The minister, Andy, greeted me at the gate with another young man, Lee. Andy is a Bostontonian who studied biology at MIT and worked in biotechnology for 20 years before realizing that the life he was living was not one that he would want to remember on his death bed. With that realization and a bunch of faith, he quit his job and began training to be a Unitarian minister. He led me into the church, which itself was very simple. A large open room with several skylights, folding chairs and a podium served as the space for our service. Several community members introduced themselves and welcomed me before the service began. With 75 members, the church is large by England's standards where only 5% of citizens partake in any form of religious activity.

Here in London people are celebrating Harvest (think Thanksgiving) so the service centered around gratitude. After Andy's sermon, we each went in front of the congregation lit a candle, said what we were thankful for and took a handful of rice. We sat then and each said aloud, at once, one thing we are thankful for for each grain of rice in our hands. Our voices melded together into a jumbled murmured prayer of gratitude. Because it is Harvest, we joined together for a potluck following the service. There I talked extensively with Andy, Jamie (another first timer who also happens to be from Crouch End), and a Dutch woman whose name I didn't catch. We had an amazing discussion about culture, food, and bridging the gap between reason and spirituality.

I am excited to get more involved with the community. Along with the Sunday services they host weekly meditations, yoga classes, and service opportunities.

Timetable 2009/10: MSc Human Evolution and Behavior

"i had begun to believe my blackened toenails
were on path to decay when, in truth
they had begun the gradual process of
CRYSTALLIZATION.
i am he who walks on wind scorned feet with toenails of
AMETHYST AND ROSE QUARTZ.
my path now crystal clear..."
-Saul Williams

My course list:

-Paleoanthropology
-Variation and Evolution of the Human Skull
-Statistics (ungraded, thank goodness)
-Primate Socioecology
-Primate Evolution and Environments
-Advanced Human Evolution
-Research Methodology (ungraded)
-Dental Anthropology (audit)

Other fun one-time lectures I will be required to attend:

-Human Population History: A Microevolutionary Analysis of Craniometric Variation
-Hunting, Meat-Eating and Self-Medication in Wild Bonobos
-The Political Ecology of Human-Elephant Conflict in Laikipia, Kenya
-Creationism in Europe
-Out of Africa Revisited
-Bears in the Living Room: Trophy Hunting and the Transformation of Human-Animal Relations
-Paternal Care of Offspring in Humans: Some Ultimate and Proximate Factors

Borough Market and Muswell Hill

"When each day is the same as the next, it's because people fail to recognize the good things that happen in their lives every day that the sun rises." - Paulo Coelho

Saturday morning, Emma, Kaytee (both roommates), Sam (Em's boyfriend), Rich (friend) and I hopped the tube down to London Bridge for the Borough Market. The Market runs Thursday through Satuday every week and hosts an amazing assortment of food and drink vendors. Delicious food and drinks included frsesh cheese, cheese, and did I mention CHEESE, meats (exotic meat, too!), jams, vegetables, fruit, chocolates, pastries, mushrooms, olives, fish, shell fish, breads, BEER (including Rouge from Oregon and Tusker from Tanzania), wines, pate, pasta, smoothies.............the list goes on forever.

The market was packed with people and spread out in three main market areas. Each little section of the market had its own feel and there was somewhat of a theme in vendors in each area...somewhat! The Jubilee market was under this huge glass covering,though the sides were open. The metal structure of the canopy was green and looked awesome with all the red and yellow tent covers of the vendors beneath. The Middle Market was inside in the same way Pike Place is. Finally the Green Market was pretty well open, but partly fell under thundering train tracks. Bordering the market is the Southwark Cathedral which was closed, but whose grounds served as an excellent and very beautiful spot to eat the snacks you just bought. Not that you really had to buy snacks as vendors offered an assortment of delicious samples. Grazing on samples acted as breakfast and lunch for us, in fact.

Emma, Kaytee, Sam and I had plans in the evening to cook dinner together and spent time at Sam's house in Muswell Hill (near Crouch End where I live). Throughout the day we picked up little goodies for our meal. On the list of our purchases: goat cheese, drunk cheese (cheese soaked in wine), MORE goat cheese, mushroom pate, hummus, salami, chorizo, and a mystery purchase by Sam. Highlights in the tasting area included: a hot chocolate drink (super thick, rich, melted chocolate...not at all like anything I had had before), flavored olive oils and balsamic vinegars, too many cheeses to count, wine, foie gras, sangria, and salsa.

After a few hours at the market, Kaytee, Em, Sam and I rushed back to Muswell Hill in time to feed Sam's chickens (yes, Sam has chickens!) before they went to bed at dusk. Once the chickens were full, Sam reveal to us his mystery contribution to our meal.....stuffed duck wrapped in Bacon. Since the duck had to cook a while the four of us popped our first bottle of wine and played Clue, which they call Cluedo here. Weird.

Dinner was aaaaaaamaaaaazing. Each bite was totally worth all the hard work that went into it. By hard work, I mean walking around the market all day being forced to accept delicious free samples. Dinner was not only delicious but rather hilarious as Sam graced us with a multitude of really excellent impersonations the highlight probably being Kermit the Frog and Miss Piggy.

This morning, after all crashing at Sam's, we had a small tour of Muswell Hill before heading back home to Crouch End, only a five minute bus ride south.

Priory Park

"The secret is here in the present. If you pay attention to the present, you can improve upon it. And, if you improve on the present, what comes later will also be better. Forget about the future, and live each day according to the teachings, confident that god loves his children. Each day, in itself, brings with it an eternity." - Paulo Coelho

Sitting in the grass at Priory Park. The quiet is unexpected and a relief after the constant hum of city on pavement. The buzz is still there, just farther away and thus more noticeable yet more of a relief. I can feel the sun on my skin for the first time since I arrived in London, my new home, one week and one day ago. Like a sun flower, I turn my face to soak in energy from the one true source.

As I sit, I try to connect myself to the source, the spirit, the universe...to ground myself in it. I find myself so easily swept into the human created stress of city life. These moments alone serve to bring me back, back to the recognition that all things are one, that if we focus on the present the future will care for itself, that our mind is part of one, not its own, being.

Sitting here, I see life I could not see busily, distractedly walking London streets. A squirrel plays in the tree above, jumping from branch to branch. A bee hovers over the grass. Two ants climb up my calf, an Everest for them. Children in strollers (buggies). "Uh oh, a squirrel and a cat! Do cats like squirrels, Mum?" A little boy in a floppy sun hat peering at his mom inquisitively, adorable, childish, British accent asking the question. I look for the cat, but don't see it. The squirrel now digs in the grass.

The park is beautiful: rolling green rises, paths stocked with benches, an old marble fountain from 1880. The whole park is surrounded by hedges and fences, insulators of the peace. Oak trees scatter the lawns. City noises are muffled and irrelevant here in my sunny patch. A spider hanging from his thread falls in front of my face. I lift my pen to lower him to a blade of grass.

The skies are so clear, so blue, that I am glad I don't have my camera as it would never do this day justice. Two birds communicate, one in chirps, one in clicks. As I tune my ears to the birds' frequency, I hear more calls now. They come from all around me. The squirrel still rustles behind me searching for food as the seated man before me rustles his plastic lunch sack for his midday meal. A white haired woman clutches her days shopping as she walks the path before me. The park must separate her house from the grocery. She walks with purpose, not to enjoy the scenery, yet she does not appear wholly unappreciative.

Just now, a long skirted woman, coffee in hand, stoops to collect leaves of red and brown matching her outfit and died hair. The red-brown of the fallen leaves and the woman's aura, contrast well with the still green grass and trees. Fall is perfect. Always an ending in fall, but also a clensing in some way. Like the trees, I try to clear myself so that I may nourish and grow again. If you do not empty yourself constantly, there is no room to take in the new, the present, the now. So here in the fall we have this opportunity to follow nature's lead, to clean and clear ourselves and sit attentively in the now, full observers, full participants, our eyes open, our ears scanning all frequencies, taking in, but never holding in.