And I won't disappear: my one year(ish) anniversary with London

"You know it's okay
I'm kinda [really] happy here for now
I think I've finally grown up
And got myself a lover now
If I ever come home and I, I think I will
I hope you're gonna want to hang
At my place on Sundays still
Oh yeah I hope you will

Cause I'm in London still "

-The Waifs

I've now been in London for one year are a bit and have officially turned in my master's dissertation (now we wait...).  I feel the need to reflect.  Who am I?  Who was I?  I came here, more or less, on a whim, an impulse to leave the familiar, to enter the unknown, to see if another way of living was possible...living with connection, with passion, with goals, but without plan. Living the life I have always wanted to live, but was scared to begin.

I went back to read my journal from Seattle last year.  It was marked with a sense of floating, of loneliness, a lack of purpose, a general depression.  I remember it, but I don't identify with that now.  I don't think my values have changed that much in the past year, but more consistently than ever before I am living the life I would like to be living.  I used to think about how I wanted to live and fantasize about some time in the future when I would be living that life.  There would be a point when I would have everything together and live the life I was supposed to live.

My sister shared with me a quote she found (I don't know by who).  It consisted of two questions.  The first: If you could live one life on repeat forever, what life would it be?  The second: is it the life you are living now?  This question has been in the back of my mind for some time now.  In deciding to come here I asked myself this.  I was worried about finances, I was worried about going back to studying, I was worried about finding a place to live in London, about getting a visa, about leaving Seattle, about leaving my family, about being happy.  But I asked myself, when I look back on my life, which decision will I wish that I made.  Put in that light, moving to London to pursue a masters in a subject I have been passionate about since I was in 2nd grade was a no brainer....a very horrifying no brainer.

I figure, there is no future point where living the life you want to live will "just happen".  Living the life you want to live means acting now.  Be present.  Choosing to live how you wish you did. Live now how you want to be later and you may just find that later becomes now.  And now becomes eternal.  Now becomes you.  Now is all we have.  "Every plan is a tiny prayer to father time" (death cab for cutie). 

More than anything this past year, I have found contentment.  Not the passive kind that sucks away your passions and adventurous spirit.  But the kind of contentment that brings peace and inspires action with confidence.  No situation in my life has become easier.  I am not a more together person.  I'm an organizational disaster, in fact.  I am late a lot.  I forget things like plans with people and names and times and tasks I'm supposed to complete.  But, now, I feel less bad about it.  I don't let myself feel guilt for the way I am.  I have become better at listening to myself, interpreting what my body is telling me, deciphering the messages of my heart.  I feel more confident with confrontation, with asserting myself.  Sometimes I don't assert myself still when I wish I did.  But I'm learning not to beat myself up about it.  The less attached I am to my destination, the more I end up going where I want to go. 

I really hope that when I look back on my life from old age (fingers crossed), I will say "yeah, I would do this all again.  I'm pleased with the risks I took, the connections I made, the paths I wandered, the time I spent reflecting, the love I gave away.  I wouldn't trade any of it."