holding-on

"Our ideas held no water
but we used them like a dam"
-Modest Mouse

It is remarkably easy to get stuck in patterns of thinking. We form a framework through which to understand the world and over time, we learn new things (facts) and place them into this framework. Obviously, as we have created (or inherited, or learned) this framework in a cultural context sometimes things we learn, things we observe, don't quite fit into how we "know" the world works, or we "know" is right, or we "know" fits, in general. These things become exceptions. There comes a point, though, when you seem to have accumulated a lot of "exceptions". One would expect that this would be the point when you would start to question the framework rather than question your own sanity....but we don't! We keep trying to mold what we see into the shape of what we "know". But we don't "know", we just expect, we assume!

I have been thinking about this because I am experiencing something of the sort right now. As I am learning and interacting with my masters program, I am realizing that those things that I thought I wanted, I perhaps do not. And I am learning that things that I did not previously think I wanted (despite many "exceptions" indicating otherwise), are in fact what I do want. This is slightly disconcerting, yet also relieving! I feel a sense of rightness in having discovered what was making me feel unsettled. With hindsight, my desires were very evident. But so long as my previous framework existed, all indications were placed in the "exceptions" category of my understanding rather than the "valid thought" section.

I really like the quote above from Modest Mouse (possibly the most depressed band ever...) because it strikes me as so true. I do feel so inclined to lean on ideas, on frameworks, that aren't reasonable, or appropriate....why? Probably because in the short term, it is easier to keep jamming things into something they don't quite fit in to, than to unpack, make a HUGE mess, and reorganize. I will argue though, that in the long run, the benefits of reorganization out weight the costs. To some extent though, I think my logic may infer that avoiding frameworks in general would be the most effective method of observing the world and learning in it. As humans though, I think this is difficult (impossible?) as evolutionarily we are "wired" to categorize information as it is very cost effective not to......

On a more spiritual/self-realization level, I am learning that constant reevaluation of our frameworks is necessary in order to truly understand our heart's position. To not reevaluate, I think, is very impractical and...stagnant?....and perhaps cowardly. Often I feel cowardly. I am scared of what I will find if I see things in a new way. I'm scared of who I will be when stripped of my framework. Will it be worse? more difficult? will my friends still like who I am if I see the world differently? Will I still like who I am? But when deciding between the known which is not adequate and the unknown, I challenge myself to choose the unknown. The Buddhist quote says it best: "Leap and the net will appear."